A daily routine gives us reassurance. Not the grand gestures, not the picture-book moments, but the small ones—Sunday pancakes, morning toothbrushing to the same goofy song, bedtime stories with predictable endings. For children who reside in two homes, these little particulars are that much more significant.
Why Routine Seems to Be Safety
If you’re co-parenting, you’re already aware that routines are not only beneficial—they’re a sort of intangible glue. They keep everything together when everything else is changing. Your child is at your place eating a bowl of cereal with chocolate milk one minute, then across town at their other residence with a different routine, different expectations, and different rules the next. It’s a lot for one little heart to handle.
Routine makes it feel normal. When both houses have even a few of the same rhythms—mealtimes, chore charts, school night rules—children do not need to second-guess what kind of world they are entering every week. They can unwind. They can simply be themselves. And you can worry less about refereeing and more about parenting.
Change It Up
Let’s get clear here—this is not about controlling what happens at the other house. That is not on the agenda. You and your co-parent do not need to operate mirror homes. You simply need a few areas of agreement regarding your kid’s well-being. Perhaps both houses are on the same page for bedtimes at 8 p.m. and Friday night pizza nights. Or perhaps it is only that both homes utilize the same reward system for positive behavior. That consistency creates a foundation for kids to rely on, particularly when the rest of their lives will feel more like a back-and-forth exchange.
You’d be surprised at how much children yearn for routine, even if they feign otherwise. That eye roll when you remind them to set their shoes by the door? It’s usually a sign they feel secure in knowing what comes next. Predictability may bore us, but to children, it can feel like security swaddled in simplicity.
Home Communication is Important
This is where the adults get to do the actual work. Not at being best friends, not at seeing eye-to-eye on every little thing, but at being clear and respectful communicators. A quick text here about a due date for a piece of homework, a shared family calendar for soccer practice, and dentist visits—those small efforts make for a smoother, less confusing life for your child.
If you’re a beginner or want to get back on course, it may work to begin with one or two non-negotiables. For instance, you might agree to the same wake-up time on schooldays. Maybe on weekends, you’re not allowed to use the screen until chores are completed.
Select small, achievable tasks. You will gain momentum from there.
Provide Children a Voice
You don’t have to relinquish the steering wheel, but giving your child some voice about some aspect of the routine can make all the difference. Perhaps they get to choose the bedtime book rotation. Perhaps they get to choose a “theme night” meal on Wednesday nights. Children who feel heard and noticed are more likely to become invested in the routine you’re establishing.
This also affords them a feeling of being in charge of something they didn’t sign up for. Transitions between houses feel a bit like a game of ping-pong emotionally. A little bit of agency—a voice about how it all unfolds—is stabilizing for them.
When Transitions Get Tough
Regardless of how well-established your routines are, there will always be transition days that do not go well. You may receive an attitude when they return. You may be told, “That is not how we do it at Mom’s.” Do not take it personally. Transitions are not easy, even for a grownup, particularly if you are transitioning between two different sets of norms, environments, and expectations.
Consistency Is Crucial
This is where custody lawyers come in, and many dads feel that following through on commitments, particularly ones established with custody attorneys, is crucial to helping children do well between households. It’s not only about who has which holiday; these legal arrangements can establish routines for daily decisions, too, such as schooling routines or bedtime routine expectations.
Keep It Sustainable
It is simple to get idealistic and desire to establish the “perfect” system. But life isn’t a Pinterest board. Start small. Choose routines that feel natural to you and your children. And allow for grace, because nobody adheres to a routine 100% of the time. It is important that your child knows what is coming most of the time. And it is predictability that establishes trust.
