Every marriage is a journey, and with any journey that is embarked upon by two people, sometimes you will decide to go separate ways. While nobody enters a marriage expecting that it will end, sometimes the union runs its course. Continuous conflict, emotional alienation and just wanting different things may all be signals that partners have grown apart. Accepting that it’s come to an end can be painful – but staying together out of fear of change or what people will say is not going to make it better.
For a father, or any parent, the realization of this situation is particularly important because it is about much more than personal happiness. It’s also about the well-being of the children; a home that is riven with stress and tension can be much more damaging to a child than a peaceful, amicable separation. Recognizing when a relationship is no longer giving either party what they need, and taking steps towards a better future for all, is a responsible choice to make.
Acknowledging the Children’s Well-Being
Divorce isn’t easy on a child; they’ve spent their early years idolizing these two people and believing that they came as a package. Learning that their parents will be living separate lives raises all sorts of questions, and it is hard for a child to grasp the nuances of how two adults can grow apart. But studies show that divorce is not what affects children most; rather, it is the level of conflict between parents that is truly damaging. A high-conflict separation – in which children are often weaponized – creates instability and anxiety, while an amicable divorce allows them to maintain strong relationships with both parents.
When you are sure that separation is the right thing, choosing cooperation is the best way to ease transition for the kids. Even if there are moments of greater tension, being able to set aside personal hurt and prioritizing the blameless children fosters a sense of security. The message needs to be that while you and your spouse will live separate lives, you are both firmly agreed on wanting the best for your children and to make sure they don’t suffer.
Navigating the Legal Process
The moment you choose to file for divorce with a lawyer can be a pretty daunting one, because it makes everything very real, but filings don’t need to be adversarial. A lawyer can offer useful mediation at this stage for those things that you can’t agree on in one-to-one discussions. Quite apart from anything else, sorting out the details of a separation is emotionally and mentally draining, which in turn doesn’t help maintain the agreed amicability. Lawyers have been through this process countless times; if you let them know what your lines are, they’ll find a way to make them fit.
It is important to recognize that even if things are in the hands of your respective lawyers (and they will be different lawyers; one lawyer can’t represent both parties), you should still be looking to maintain a cordial relationship with one another in the case of a divorce where the parties have simply grown apart. Some divorces are more complex and charged than this, but that’s a whole other subject which requires much more specific advice.
Establishing a Co-Parenting Plan
Once you have agreed the terms of a legal separation, the most important thing is to land on a co-parenting plan that works for all parties. Each divorce is different, but where children are concerned the key details are to ensure that children are in a position to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents. Both parties should be prepared to be flexible, and to lay down the requirements they themselves have. There is no point making promises you know you can’t keep, but equally this is not an excuse to offer nothing, or just do the bare minimum. Again, at this point it really is all about what’s best for the kids.
Divorce is a significant life change, but even just in the last few decades the way we look at and go about it has changed; it doesn’t need to be the end of a healthy family dynamic. While both partners may disagree on a long list of things, both can also agree that there is something that matters more than anything else; the well-being of your children and their chances of growing up well-adjusted, happy, and thankful to you both for never letting your divorce get in the way of their upbringing. Out of the sadness of what’s ending, that can be a happy return.
